No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
