The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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