i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
True strength comes from lack of pants
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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