i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
