My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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