I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
