I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
