remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
