Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
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