I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
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