I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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