Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
