Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
