My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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