Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
