uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
