Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
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He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
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We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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