its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
sex in a hospital.. check
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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