he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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