If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
