guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
