they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
