I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
