Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
