my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
