I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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