I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
