I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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