thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
