the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
