I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
