If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Sober January is a disaster.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
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