Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
