I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
