if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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