i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
