the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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