he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
