Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Randomize
