Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
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The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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