i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
