when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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