You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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