if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
And then the night went full on bisexual.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
