The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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