i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
someone owes me an orgasm
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
