My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
