So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
