totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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