I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
My ATM looks so different sober.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
