There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
