Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
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Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
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I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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