hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
