please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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