Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
