just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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