He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
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