you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize