So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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