There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
