I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Someone signed my nipple.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
