We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
