my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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