Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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