Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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